Yes, I Want to Date a Gorsky!

Being a long-time and proud member of the “Russian Jews United” group on Facebook, I have found the following message waiting in my inbox today:

Single? Need a fresh start?

Try:
http://www.rajeusa.com/rajemate/survey.php

Nice service for nice people.

Gary Linkov

Well, Gary, I don’t believe we’ve met, but that’s really…nice. Thank you.

“I am single! I do need a fresh start!”, I thought.
Nice people?? That is me!!

With thoughts of beautiful Jewish girls with rich daddies, I immediately clicked on the link and landed on the “RAJE” homepage:

Wow! That’s a lot of details just to start. Okay:
RAJE: Last name?
Bitz: Bitz.
R: First name?
B: Pasha.
R: Hebrew Name if any?
B: Hmm, Hebrew name? Mmm, Pasha? No, mm, ahem, I don’t know! Please let me date Jewish chicks!!
R: Ethnicity (Ashkenazi / Sephardic / Bucharian / Gorsky)?
B: Woah, that’s specific! You’re really not for mixing them up, are you? And Bucharian is like a whole category in itself? Do they pray westwards? And what is “Gorsky”? I searched Delver, which is the limit of my knowledge, and didn’t find anything. Do you mean to ask whether I’m the dead Soviet spy? Well, I am not!
R: Would like to date only (Doesn’t matter / Ashkenazi / Sephardic / Bucharian / Gorsky)?
B: Look, I don’t really want to restrict myself. As long as the father is really loaded, I mean. Well, what the hell, I like trying out new stuff. Gorsky!
R: Are you a Cohen?
B: No. Are you a Cohen?
R: Practicing Judaism (High holidays only / Some Shabbats / Kashrus / Other)?
B: Practicing? I don’t need to practice baby, I’m already GOOD. But I like the way you American Jews make everything sound cool. Kashrus. Doesn’t sound like “can’t eat anything” at all!
By the way, RAGE, how come you don’t ask me if I’m a boy or a girl? Do you sort of assume I am a horny male? Nice.
R: Would you relocate?
B: Hell yeah!
R: Do you want to move to Israel?
B: Move to Israel?? What? I am marrying you for the Green Card baby! No Israel. I want the dollars!
R: Hair covering after marriage?
B: What? Hair covering? Where? That’s a little personal, don’t you think?
R: Kipa?
B: Nope.
R: Tzitzit?
B: No. Wait! I have a kipa somewhere! I use it about once a year or so. Though it’s usually kind of sad and involves someone dying.
R: Jewish education?
B: Oh yeah! Betzefer Mitzpe!!!
R: Describe in words, your family’s religious background if any?
B: In words? Okay. My father is Jewish. My mother is Jewish. Their parents are Jewish too. They say they had to get really good grades in school because back in the USSR they would only let a few Jews into University. I don’t remember anything particular about religion. But seriously - your father will LOVE me. I am sure. I’ll pretend I like McCain!!!
R: Personality traits:
(Insecure/Nervious) B: Aren’t we all? Jewish, remember?
(Argumentative) B: Hmm, not really.
(Intellectual) B: Hell yes, I am a regular Karl-fucking-Marx!
(Low maintenance) B: I see where you’re going. Lets say 100K a year from your father will do. I don’t need much.
R: Reference (non-family)?
B: Oooh, you’re taking this seriously. It’s like I am applying for a job. Okay, okay. My army commander, good?